The problem with writing about India

Being in India is amazing. Or rather it's not; amazing is a silly word to use. It's diluting and reductive and doesn't begin to describe what being here is like, what I've seen and heard and eaten and felt. But the words to describe India are hard to find and putting them together to recount all the stories of the people I've met and the sights I've seen is even more difficult.

The thing is, writing of India is more than a little complicated. For one, I don’t want to misrepresent my own culture—or half of it, anyway. I don’t want to feed into the U.S. orientalism of Indians or Asians in general. And as my new friend Sara says, it's important that we don't share the stories that are already told, those that depict a very particular view of India, those that propagate stereotypes of in-your-face vibrancy or painful-to-see poverty. After all, India isn't Bollywood. India isn't Slumdog Millionaire.

In writing on a public platform for an audience I don't wholly know, I'm afraid to describe what is different in India, to speak of dirty streets and misogyny and spicy foods. I know that to some degree, friends and family and other readers who have been here know what I am describing and are aware that this is not all that India is, that this is not true for all of India. But for the readers who do not know, whose only impressions of India are those in movies and other media that show only one facet of Indian life, my descriptions do nothing to tell them what India is really like. In describing the way I feel walking down the street or going about what is slowly become a routine here, I am afraid to feed into an idea of India that, while not wholly untrue, is in not truly accurate.

What comes to mind when you think of India? As someone who was born here, I think of my grandparents and their homes. I think of the many family members who I rarely see. I think of faloodas and hot weather and shopping. But more than these images, I think of a feeling. I remember how being around my family makes me feel comforted. I think about a sense of home that comes with the dissonance of not fully belonging. And I feel so much more, things I'm still trying to cognize and understand and rationalize and process.

Another issue with writing of India is that I sometimes get overwhelmed by the millions of stories of Indians and Indian-Americans that aren’t told. For one, while my Indian-American peers and I have experienced more subtle racisms than overt acts of violence or brutality, there are thousands of individuals who have dealt with much more. A few days ago, about half of us from our CIEE group visited an NGO called Shaheen. We met with about thirty women who had dealt with experiences such as rape, child marriage, domestic violence, and adversity finding educational opportunities. 

When I tell you this, when I share diluted snippets of their experiences, I want you to keep in mind: this is not what India is. This is not all that India is. This does not only happen in India. This is not a reflection of India, but it is a human rights issue that is to be understood across many dimensions.

It gets to the point where I hesitate sharing these stories. Even in the selection of photos, I try to stay away from just photos of cows, stray dogs, palaces, and forts. These are the images of India that are already shared and overshared. It's not that doing so is wrong in and of itself. Rather, it's that I want to post consciously and I urge you all to consume consciously as well. As Sara and I were discussing, there is no final answer, no clear right or wrong. There’s no resolution or big solution to all of this. But that doesn't mean you stop trying, stop questioning.

At the same time, rather than avoiding speaking of India altogether, I feel compelled to share these stories because so few people talk about these issues. The absence—or rather inaccuracy of representation and lack of a thorough presentation—of Indians and Indian-Americans in American media is astounding and frustrating to me. In The Karma of Brown Folk, Vijay Prashad writes, "In the United States the bulk of the desi community seems to have moved away from active political struggles toward an accommodation with this racist policy." I too have found in the Indian-American community a tendency to accommodate ignorances rather than to resist struggle, to question, or to act. With this in mind, I can't help but feel a sense of duty; if I don't talk about this, who will? If I don't stand up for myself—for ourselves—who will?

It disenheartens me when people don't stand up for themselves or when they are unfazed by subtle racisms. On one hand, it's a sign of accommodating themselves within the system, acquiescing to centuries of racist and imperialist ideology and orientalism. On the other, it adds more pressure upon me. Why aren't all of my peers politically involved, equally frustrated with the inequities and injustices? It makes me question myself and my convictions. Am I taking this more seriously than is needed? Am I making a bigger deal than is necessary? 

But then I think about how this is how this sort of ideology and discourse functions, that with injustice comes a tendency to internalize misogyny, racism, etc. and to transform self-worth and one's experience of oneself. Across the board, whether you consider experiences of disability, race, gender, sexuality, and other groups that are or have been systemically disenfranchised, there are those who have had to be responsible for their people, who have had to be the pioneers of their communities. Of course, I in no way mean to suggest this is what I am; rather I remind myself to be grateful for those who are and to perhaps borrow a bit of their courage, passion, intellect, and bravery. It might be that this frustration and this unrelenting passion is a reflection of my youth. But it's 2016 and I'm tired of accommodating ignorances and apologizing for who I am and what I stand for.

You might be asking, what is India? If it's not just bad traffic and street dogs and spicy foods, what is it? Well the thing is, that can't be said. Of course, it isn't possible for me to sum up the entirety of what a country is in one blog post. But for me, India is family. It's a weird sense of home closely tied to the contradictory sense of not fully belonging. It's an educational experience of understanding another way of living my life and being or becoming myself. It's early mornings and late nights and a sense of calm amongst chaos. So yeah, there is bad traffic and street dogs and spicy foods, but India is just so much more.

~ V

Goodbye D.C., hello Hyderabad!

{me and my mom in Bombay circa 1999}

It's official—I'M GOING TO INDIA!!!! This spring semester, you can plan on visiting me, my falooda, and my improved Hindi at the University of Hyderabad. I am so excited for this journey and all it means to me and can't wait to blog about it the whole way through.

As some of you may know, I was born in Bombay and moved to Lagos, Nigeria and Houston, Texas before growing up in my small town in New Jersey. And even though I used to visit India every other summer, it has now been six and a half years since my last trip to my other home. Even still, I can vividly remember how each trip changed me, made me rethink views I had, made me compare the two sides of my identity and grow beyond being simply Indian or American. 

India always makes me think, grow, and feel in ways I have forgotten, and sometimes even in ways I never imagined I could be. It might be in part that I had changed so much in between trips that going to India served as a marker, a reminder of who I was. I got to see my growth and change through the eyes of family that only saw me every two years. But I think visits to India went even beyond that. 

When you're an Indian-American kid, you're always working on a balancing act, and when you're younger, you let Western culture dictate a lot of your feelings about yourself, your relationship with your racial identity and culture, the decisions you make, the borders you draw between the two parts of yourself. But coming to GW has changed a lot of that for me. Partly because I got out of my small, nearly homogenous town (which I still love), but also because I made friends who were figuring things out for themselves, too.


Going to India as a kid forces you to acknowledge that, though. You're forced to look at the decisions you've made to be this much Indian or this much American. I'm always teased by family in India about how "American" I am, or how much of my "culture" I've lost or retained. But at the same time, here, today, in America, a similar thing happens. My friends and I joke around with each other all the time about how "Indian" we are for loving Bollywood or certain foods or whatever. The term "fob," for those who don't know it stands for Fresh Off the Boat, and it becomes a sort of way to police immigrants and second-generation kids about how they've defined their culture, what parts they've chosen to keep or let go off or whatever. So either way, you're policed—whether it be by yourself or by others—about the decisions you've made.


For me, I've come to value the parts that make me who I am more than I'm capable of describing. I love that I know four languages, that I have multiple cultural and linguistic lenses through which I can look at things and make sense of the world around me. Take something as trivial as skin color for example. Traditional Indian culture favors fairer skin, while here in America it's not uncommon for people to hop into tanning beds or lay out on the beach for hours. I'm not trying to say that one is right while another is wrong; I don't know that a right and wrong necessarily exist. It's just that understanding both sides has allowed me to love the skin I'm in, quite literally. I don't mind that I turn "pale" in the winter or that I tan ridiculously quickly in the summer. Having the two lenses enables me to decide for myself who I am, what I want.


But cultural duality goes beyond that in a way that I'm still learning about and still trying to understand. In that sense, I look forward to letting Hyderabad push me; I welcome the moments that will teach me through tough love as much as I await those that will remind me what raw, unforced, unadulterated happiness feels like. And lucky for me, the University of Hyderabad offers courses in my fields—English, Creative Writing, and Film—but I know that the majority of the learning I'm going to be doing will be outside the formal academic environment. 

I've been planning my study abroad experience for months, but every time someone asks where I am going, I am almost reluctant or embarrassed to answer. A professor asked me the same question this week and I froze before answering quietly, trying to stop myself from offering some sort of bullshit explanation or justification as if it's at all necessary. But I can't ignore the fact that I feel like people look at me and assume that I chose India because I am Indian. Needless to say, being Indian-American certainly has to do with my love for and connection with India. I can't say what my relationship with India would've been if I wasn't Indian; I don't know who I would be if I wasn't Indian. But regardless of that fact, the assumption that I chose India is diluting and reductive, making my decision to be there less than what it is. Even my Indian-American friends are sometimes confused, asking why I would go to India when there are so many other places to choose from. And the thing is, I can't blame them. Because for the longest time, that was me. I was uncomfortable with parts of my identity, back before my culture became "cool" and bindis were an in thing to sport at music festivals, rather than another reminder of me being Other, another way for people to awkwardly ask me about who I was and what I was. I used to feel weird for being Indian, and sometimes I definitely still do feel like that weird little Indian girl sitting in class. But luckily, I've come quite far since that. Luckily, that's changed a lot.

And the thing is, with my relationship with India being what it is right now, I've really wanted to go back and live in India for an extended period of time, to let it shape and form and mold and change me beyond what six weeks of living in my grandparents’ flat in Bombay can do. I want to live and learn about the life I could have led and almost did lead, but even beyond that, I simply miss India, miss it with every fiber of my being to the point that it hurts and I fear being unable to recognize the country, the world, I consider my own and consider my home. I worry that it has changed too much in one direction and I too much in the other and that when we meet the connection we had will be lost, that it will no longer be mine, that I will not belong, that I will belong even less than I already did.

I feel as though I've lost a big part of me and sometimes I'm even afraid that it's too late to get it back. But you know what? I’ll be damned if I don’t try.

~ V

Week 4: Four Things I Learned This Week in Spain

This week has been incredibly fun and busy, and I think my decision to explore more of Madrid has paid off. I revisited the Reina Sofía, which is quickly becoming my favorite spot in the city, but also tried new restaurants and visited new neighborhoods. Here's what I learned this week:

{escaping the heat in Palacio de Cristal}

1. What 106 degrees really means. Temperatures this high mean feeling groggy, sleepy, and lethargic, which totally justifies the remedy of endless ice cream, cold drinks, and hours spent in the pool. Right?

{matcha ice cream with white chocolate chips at my new favorite place}

{Me and my friend Corrine in Puerta de Sol}

2. It's a small world, which means you may be lucky enough to spend a day in Madrid with someone you go to school with. As some of my au pair friends start leaving (I've already had to say three goodbyes), this is something to keep in mind. You never know who you might get to see again! :)

{photoception in Palacio de Cristal}

3. You can wholly and unironically be proud to be American. There are a lot of things that will distinguish you as an American abroad (including baseball caps, sneakers, the accent, talking too loudly on the metro, and saying you want a burger) but my personal favorite is that everyone in your country now legally has the right to get married. While there is more progress to be made, this is huge and it's definitely about time. I haven't felt homesick yet, but on Friday I really wished I was home visiting the White House and Supreme Court with all my friends in Washington, D.C.

{new piece at the Reina Sofía}

4. Horchata is delicious. As part of the #treatyoself lifestyle, I walked into La Mallorquina, an amazing bakery located in Sol, and bought myself a napolitano and horchata. While I have a serious sweet tooth, this was definitely too much sugar for even me. I'd never get the two together again, but I'm definitely going to enjoy horchata more often while I'm here in Spain. 

{napolitano de chocolate & horchata}

You may not hear from me for a while since I'm headed to Italy TOMORROW! My mom and brother are visiting me in Madrid and after a day in the city, we head off on a two-week trip to Venice, Florence, Rome, and then Barcelona. Can't wait to share the details with you all! Until then, enjoy a few more pictures from this week:

{view of Gran Vía}

{museum exploring}

{a #nofilter sunset from Templo de Debod}

{exhibition on gentrification in New York & D.C.}

~ V

Read also: Week 1, Week 2, Week 3

Come with me to Oviedo

{view from Santa María del Naranco}

When I first decided I was going to Spain, I knew I wanted to visit Oviedo. I've seen Vicky Cristina Barcelona way too many times to not make a trip to the city Juan Antonio invites Vicky and Cristina to promptly after first meeting them. Likewise, "Oviedo" by Blind Pilot is one of my favorite songs, and I listened to it on repeat the entire weekend. Of the three cities Mette and I visited, Oviedo was possibly the one I was most excited to see. 

{breakfast}

We started our trip to Oviedo by catching a bus from León after a ridiculously good breakfast of café con leche and a red velvet muffin at the Tea Te Café. The drive between the cities was incredibly beautiful; the land is very mountainous so for an hour and half, we saw all these mountains surrounded by lakes and quaint little houses on hills.

{view from the bus}

After arriving in Oviedo, we checked into our hotel and began our walk around the city. After a couple hours of exploring the center, we took a bus about three kilometers away to see two historical monuments: San Miguel del Lillo and Santa María del Naranco, which Juan Antonio and Vicky visit in the film. On our tour between the first and second churches, it began pouring and Mette and I got absolutely soaked. It was significantly colder that weekend, especially in the north, and Carlos, a kind man from Barcelona who was also on our tour group, offered us a ride back to the city.

{looking derpy outside Santa María del Naranco}

{San Miguel de Lillo}

{Museo de Bellas Artes de Asturias}

{pouring cider}

{dinner: patatas tres salsas y sidre}

Mette and I changed into warm and dry clothing back at our hotel, and headed off to dinner. Mette's host mom had told us to try the cider in Oviedo, so we headed to a sidrería for dinner. Overall, Oviedo was probably my least favorite of the three cities we visited, since it didn't have all the charm of León or a location by the sea like Gijón, but I'm still very glad we went. Here are some more photos from our trip:

{Catedral de San Salvador}

{fountain across Catedral de San Salvador}

{Catedral de San Salvador}

{inside Santa María del Naranco}

{fountain in the city center}

{walking across town}

~ V

Week 3: Six Things I Learned This Week in Spain

Now that I've been in Spain for three weeks, a bit of the novelty has worn off. While I'm still just as amazed by all the beautiful architecture, sunsets over the mountains and Madrid skyline, and deep history behind so much of what I've seen and done, I'm starting to get tired of the routine I've made for myself. I spend about three hours commuting to the city center and back every day, and even though I try to do three new things each day, I still end up in the same parts of the city. I've done nearly everything on Trip Advisor, and this coming week, I'm going to make a bigger effort to go beyond the tourist attractions and see more of what makes Madrid amazing. Here's what I learned this week:

1. Sunburn is real. For about two weeks, my skin has been unusually dry. I tried drinking more water and applying lotion more regularly but nothing worked. It took the skin on my arm to begin peeling for me to finally realize that my skin isn't just dry, it's sunburnt. While most people are used to this, since I'd never had sunburn before (ever), I didn't recognize what the hell my skin was doing. In the three weeks I've been here, I've definitely gotten a shade or two darker but it's hilarious to see that after years of spending summers at the beach or in India, all it took was wandering in Madrid to make my skin burn.

{Templo de Debod}

2. I need to stop spending so much money on food. Inspired by Chelsea Fagan's TFD, I've been keeping track of all I've been spending in the Notes app on my phone and one day, I decided to log it all into a spreadsheet (it's amazing what you can do when school and internships don't take up all your time). I included columns for item purchased, where it was bought, the cost, and what category it falls into: food, clothing, or travel. When I finished logging everything in, I noticed that while I've spent more money overall on travel, most items I purchased were food. It's one thing to grab a sandwich for lunch, but logging in my purchases made me realize how much I could cut back on unnecessary purchases like bubble tea, coffee, and pastries. (I say this now, but I know that when I walk into Sol tomorrow I'll be telling myself that life is too short to not splurge on a napolitano de chocolate.)

{Plaza de España}

3. Speaking of which, you can get Tex-Mex in Spain. I went to Toledo on Sunday with some friends and we stopped at a Tako-Away for lunch. The restaurant is a chain that I've seen elsewhere in Madrid so it's not anywhere close to authentic, but it's definitely a healthier alternative to Taco Bell. I absolutely love Tex-Mex and was surprised to see it available outside of the US.

{Toledo}

4. I also need to stop traveling every weekend. Last weekend I went to León, Oviedo, and Gijón, and this weekend I went to Segovia and Toledo. Five cities in two weekends is not cheap you guys. The money spent on bus fares, food, water, and souvenirs add up and unless you're on a day trip, you have to factor in hostels as well. I'm going to spend this next weekend in Madrid and finally explore el Rastro.

{view of Cathedral de la Almudena from el Palacio Real}

5. The Royal Palace is amazing. My friend Carly and I went inside el Palacio Real this week and it did not disappoint. My visit to Versailles last summer was a bit overwhelming; I was tired after a commute out of Paris, stressed about fitting everything into our last day in France, it was rainy outside, and every room was crowded with visitors. In comparison, going inside el Palacio Real was amazing. There were fewer people, but everything was just as beautiful. The only downside was that we weren't allowed to take pictures for the majority of the tour. If you're in Madrid, I definitely recommend a visit to the Palace.

{Carly and me outside el Palacio Real}

6. Being an au pair allows you to meet the coolest people. Madrid has so many au pairs, especially over the summer, and it is so incredibly easy to make new friends. Before coming here, I was unnecessarily worried about meeting people and having friends to travel and explore with, but after three short weeks I have friends who I see fairly regularly and yet I still meet new people all the time. Just this week, I met a fellow American from Chicago and we had a great conversation about American politics, the endless differences between here and home, and more. Likewise, the people I've met from all around the world are great as well; it's amazing to be reminded how easy it is to connect with people whose lives and backgrounds are different from yours, and I know that if it weren't for this au pair experience, I never would have met them.

Since I'll be in Madrid next weekend I'd love some recommendations! Is there anything you think I should do or see? Let me know in the comments below.

~ V

Read also: Week 1, Week 2

Interview with an Au Pair

As I've mentioned before, my trip to Spain wouldn't have been possible without my friend Mansi. She came to Madrid last summer and her plans inspired my own. Through every step of planning this summer, from interviews with host families to packing to where to explore, Mansi has been my number one go-to, there to keep me sane when I'm nervous and yet to be as excited for this trip as I am. I pester her nearly every day with questions, so I thought it might be nice to share her experience and au pair wisdom with all of you too! 

{Mansi and me}

1. How did you first get the idea to become an au pair?

I thought of becoming an au pair because my friend Meghan was talking about how a few girls in her sorority, DPE, were au pairs during the summer and how much fun they had! She told me how they went about dong it and so I instantly made an account on Au Pair World and started searching for families!

2. Can you describe the interview process or general process for finding a family, including specific things you were looking for?

When I was interviewing with families I really was looking for a family that I would feel comfortable with. So for me a big thing was about how each member of the family interacted with each other. I also was comforted by the fact that most families I interviewed with had previous au-pairs and I was able to use them as a source of reference whenever I felt a case of nerves or anything! I found my family about a week after making the account on aupair-world, they were very knowledgable about the au pairing process and spoke English quite well. They were extremely accommodating and made a point to make me feel like a part of the family which was especially nice for my parents who were a little on edge about the idea of me living with a host family in another country.

3. What was your favorite thing about being an au pair?

{Mansi with Gaby}

Being in Madrid was amazing, but the friendships and my host family are what made the entire experience worthwhile (I know, super cheesy). I met so many cool people from all over the world that I still keep in contact with, some were also au pairs, others were students studying abroad, and some that were nomads. I also loved my host family so much, my host parents were so patient as I practiced my Spanish and they cared so much about my well being and would constantly check in on me to make sure I was having a good time.

4. How would you describe your experience with your host kids?

I had two host kids, both boys. Fede was nine last summer and Gaby was seven. It did not take long for me to fall in love with them at all. About a few weeks into my stay the two of them started to look for suitable Spanish men that they could marry me off to so I could stay in Spain forever, which I have to admit would not be the worst thing in the world jajaja. It was never a dull moment with the two of them, we were always playing fútbol, jumping on the trampoline, or trying to do homework (which was their least favorite activity).

{Fede and Mansi}

5. What was something you didn’t anticipate about your experience?

I tried to go into this entire experience with very few expectations, but something that caught me by surprise was definitely how close I got to my host family! For the first few weeks, I felt myself starting to get a little homesick, but having such a compassionate host family really made the homesickness go away a lot faster than I thought it would have otherwise. I did not think three months would allow me to gain such a strong bond with the children or the parents. They became an extension of my family and I missed them so much when I got back to the States.

6. Why would you recommend becoming an au pair?

I don't see why I wouldn't recommend being an au pair. It is such a different experience to live with a host family, it forces you to fully immerse yourself in a culture so incredibly different from your own. I think that the opportunity teaches you so much about yourself and it encourages you to gain a sense of independence. Also on top of everything else, it is so much fun to explore a new foreign city. 

Did you have any questions that were left unanswered? Let us know in the comments below!

~ V

Au Pair Adventures

{Madrid}

      Last summer, my good friend Mansi went to Madrid as an au pair and ever since she excitedly told me about her plans to do so about a year and half ago, I have been thinking about doing the same. After endless months of trying to figure out my plans for the summer and general future, I am so incredibly excited to share with you guys that I am officially going to live in Madrid for twelve amazing weeks this summer! The tickets have been bought and everything, so I guess I can finally start letting myself believe that this is actually happening.

{one of my favorite quotes}

      Truth me told, this year has been pretty stressful for me. I seriously considered transferring out of my current university to a school five hours away, changed my major from Economics and Communication to English and Creative Writing with a minor in Film Studies, and generally just panicked in terms of all things related to my future. Since then, I've learned to better balance my life, and rather than focusing every decision I make on how it will impact my career, I now actively think about living in a more well-rounded way. I've learned to appreciate DC and GW more than I ever thought possible and for the first time in what seems like forever, I finally feel a sense of stability and excitement rather than pure, raw anxiety. I am so grateful to know where I am going to be for the next two years, and for that place to finally feel like home. And going to Madrid feels like the culmination of all of that. I am so proud of myself for letting myself enjoy my life and truly live it, rather than spending every moment focusing on improving my resume. And holy Yeezus, I am so. Damn. Excited. Here's a (short) list of my goals for this summer:

• Learn flamenco and salsa. I took salsa lessons one summer but that was about six years ago. Regardless, I absolutely loved it and consider it to be one of my favorite dance forms. Dance has always been a part of my life and I can't wait to get back into the groove of devoting my time to learning more about it.

• Become bilingual... or at least as close to bilingual as possible. I've now been taking Spanish classes for six years, with some breaks in between, and love the language so much. It has taught me so much about the languages I already know and I've become so interested in theory of linguistics. I plan on speaking Spanish every chance I get and working on perfecting that gorgeous Spanish accent.

• Practice photography. When I went to Europe last summer, I hardly knew how to use my camera. It's so disappointing to see my photos and notice how even if the composition has potential, the exposure is off. I feel like I've made improvements on my photography this year, and hopefully the photos I take this summer will reflect that.

• Blog! One of the benefits of having a blog is that I have an outlet to post photos and chronicle my adventures as they happen. I plan to post much more often than I have during this past school year and can't wait to look back on these posts of my memories in Madrid.

• Survive. Not get taken. Not get arrested circa Bridget Jones in Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. Not get lost to the point where it stops being fun and starts getting scary. 

      At this point, after countless applications and interviews, I have found an incredible host family and purchased my plane tickets. I have an overly ambitious list of about twenty-five cities I plan to visit throughout Spain, Italy, and Portugal. My Pinterest boards on travel have never looked so good. The wanderlust bug has bit me hard you guys, and I. Can't. Wait. I can't wait to share these twelve weeks of my life with you through photos and posts. I can't wait to travel everywhere and immerse myself completely in the culture. I can't wait to let Spain form me and shape me and change me, the way that India does every time I visit, or even the way living in DC for the past two years has done.
      I am so incredibly grateful to my parents, for not only allowing me to live in Spain (read: not be with them at home this summer) but also understanding my passions and encouraging me to follow them. I feel so fortunate to have this opportunity and keep reminding myself to take a moment to step back and appreciate how amazing all of this is. I'm looking forward to seeing how these weeks pan out. 
      As always, feel free to ask me about any questions you may have. And please, let me know if you have any advice, tips, or recommendations for restaurants, sights to see, etc. To chronicle these au pair adventures, I will tag all related posts with "aupair." 
      ¡Hasta luego!

~ V

Photos courtesy of www.dailytriphack.com and The Fresh Exchange blog.